Once upon a time, there was an LSAT dragon, who was very, very angry.
He should have been the last dragon with the everlasting glory of being the final majestic and fearsome beast of his kind.
But due to an overlooked typo in his contract reversing two key letters, the glory went to another dragon. (If not for that, the LSAT dragon would have been the one starring in a popular HBO television series centuries later.)
Our dragon was simply an LSAT dragon, mainly of interest to pre-law students.
So he moped about in his cave, occasionally misdirecting his anger on the neighboring townspeople.
He terrorized them with all the usual tactics, setting fire to their granaries and stealing their gold.
The only person left alone was the wizard who lived on the edge of town.
The only person left alone was the wizard who lived on the edge of town.
But because he was vain (even for a dragon), he hoarded the town's legal casebooks, obsessively studying them in the hope of one day resolving the contractual error that had stolen his glory.
Unfortunately, while pillaging the town's library, he accidentally took all of the LSAT practice exams that future lawyers needed to study for the test.
Among those hopeful students was Ashley, a young woman on a quest to get into a top law school and become a successful attorney.
Ashley had already faced countless obstacles, but this was the last straw.
"I will not rest until those books are back in their rightful place," she said. "I have come too far on my legal journey to let this petty LSAT dragon stop me. I will DEFEAT the LSAT dragon if it's the last thing I do."
You see, in medieval times, women were not supposed to be educated.
So, Ashley would sneak into the town's library every night after her wicked stepmother had fallen asleep.
First, she taught herself to read and quickly devoured every book and scroll in sight.
Then, she enrolled in a pre-law correspondence course so she could receive scrolls by raven from the law school in the kingdom's capital, many miles away.
One day, her wicked stepmother discovered the scrolls hidden under her mattress.
"What are these?!" she shrieked, as she hit Ashley with the scrolls. "Women should not read. You'll never find a husband that way." The wicked stepmother burned every last one.
Ashley cried for days. Finally, she resolved to leave her wicked stepmother behind and study with the wizard who lived on the edge of the town.
Everyone said he practiced Magick, so Ashley was a little scared but felt she had no choice.
"Besides," Ashley said to no one in particular, "if he is willing to defy the norms of our backward society, perhaps he will understand my plight. Only he can teach me what I need to know to defeat the LSAT dragon and get back those practice exams!"
So, she lived with the wizard for a time and learned from him the skills of logic and rhetoric from ancient times (you see, this was the rumored Magick, nothing more).
Each night, she would hone her skills by debating matters of politics, law, and current events in the tavern.
Her thinking became more deliberate. She became more critical and skeptical of arguments. She learned to consider alternative possibilities and explanations, rather than taking what was presented at face value.
She'd unplugged herself from her long-held default assumptions. She'd learned the habit of taking that critical moment to pause and evaluate an argument first.
Her thinking became more deliberate. She became more critical and skeptical of arguments. She learned to consider alternative possibilities and explanations, rather than taking what was presented at face value.
She'd unplugged herself from her long-held default assumptions. She'd learned the habit of taking that critical moment to pause and evaluate an argument first.
The townspeople soon became so fearful of encountering her "Magick" that they'd change the subject to avoid being demolished by her scathing criticism.
And, of course, none of them had the courage to challenge the LSAT dragon themselves.
"You're all cowards!" she said. "Here we are, living in medieval squalor. The LSAT has already gone digital in the kingdom's capital, and we're still eating nothing but porridge and relieving ourselves in outhouses. There they drink the finest coffee, take selfies, and scroll through newsfeeds as they sit on porcelain flush toilets."
The townspeople hung their heads in shame.
She continued, "The LSAT dragon has terrorized us for far too long. He's hoarding all of our legal casebooks in his lair, and no one dares to challenge him. We pay tribute to the King, yet he won't even protect us from a pathetic dragon who can't properly read his employment contract."
"I've defied the odds and studied all my life to become educated. I'm not going to let this dragon prevent me from continuing my quest any longer. I'm going to get those books back to the library where they belong. Then I will master the LSAT and go to the capital to become the successful attorney I was always meant to be."
With that, Ashley stormed out of the tavern and climbed the hill to the LSAT dragon's lair.
"Who goes there?" snarled the LSAT dragon, as trails of smoke billowed from his snout.
"It is I, Ashley, slayer of dragons and future successful attorney, sent here by destiny to return the legal casebooks to the townspeople and get the LSAT exams I need to continue my quest."
The LSAT dragon issued a stream of fire that singed a wisp of Ashley's hair.
She jumped back in fright. But the wizard had trained her for this.
Ashley said, "I call upon the spirits of my legal heroes: Elle Woods, Harvey Specter, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg -- lend me your strength and guide me in my time of need!"
Suddenly, a sword materialized from thin air, and Ashley struck the LSAT dragon on the snout with a fearsome blow.
The LSAT dragon roared in anger and pain.
"That really hurt!" he screamed. "What'd you do that for?"
Ashley sarcastically replied, "Um, because you're a dragon and you stole the books, duh. You see, I'm a pre-law student and want to go to law school so I can..."
"I don't need to hear your life story," said the LSAT dragon, gingerly rubbing his snout.
"Well, if you give me the books, I'll leave you alone." Ashley retorted. "Nobody has to get hurt. But if you don't, I'll use whatever means are at my disposal to defeat you. And I'm quite well equipped to do so; I've studied the law since I was a young girl and learned Magick with the wizard."
The LSAT dragon thought for a moment, then said, "You studied law?"
"Well, only in the town's library and by raven. I want to study properly at the top law school in the capital, but I can't because you took all the LSAT practice exams."
The LSAT dragon looked around his lair, then settled his gaze on a pile of exams sitting in the corner, coated in a thick layer of dust.
He finally said, "Oh, those? You can have them. I just grabbed everything in a hurry when the townspeople were chasing me with pitchforks. I can't make any sense out of them anyway, and I really only need the legal casebooks."
Ashley replied, "I can't let you keep those either. They belong to me and the rest of the townspeople. We may not be educated yet, but one day we will fight for our rights from the capital and establish democracy. You can't just steal our books!"
The LSAT dragon roared and let loose another stream of fire. Then he declared, "You leave me no choice. We will battle to the death. I need the law books to figure out how to get out of my employment contract. I was supposed to be the last dragon ever, but due to a typo, I was instead sentenced to an eternity of being the LSAT dragon instead."
"Yeah, I've heard," Ashley said sympathetically.
He sighed, then continued in a more conversational tone, "I don't know if I'll ever make sense of the law. I couldn't even figure out the LSAT! It's a lot more difficult than I expected. Why do you need to take it for law school anyway?"
Ashley responded, "No offense, but the fact that you didn't catch that typo means you didn't read carefully enough. That might be part of the reason why future lawyers have to take the LSAT. Did you hire one to represent you?"
As Ashley spoke, the LSAT dragon shifted and became increasingly frustrated. Finally, he straightened his spine and leaned over her, issuing another stream of fire against the wall in warning.
"Listen, young woman. I'm 500 years old, and I don't need a lecture from you on what I should've done after the fact. You're going to turn around, get out of my cave, and..."
"Wait, did you say you're 500 years old?"
"Yes, why?"
"Since dragons live for millennia, that would make you only 15 in dragon years. You're still a minor. And contracts signed by minors aren't legally binding, even for dragons."
Ashley's decision to take an elective in Dragon Law during her correspondence course had turned out to have a real-world application after all.
"You mean that contract is null and void?"
"Correct, you don't have to be the LSAT dragon anymore! You can be whatever you want. And you can negotiate a new contract with The Powers That Be to become the last dragon instead if you like."
The no-longer-LSAT dragon flapped his wings in excitement. "That's the best news I've heard in centuries! I'm glad you stopped by my cave, young woman."
"My name's Ashley. Pleased to meet you." She stuck out her hand and grasped one of the dragon's claws.
The two became fast friends. The no-longer-LSAT dragon returned all the books to the townspeople. Ashley studied for the LSAT and took it, scoring higher than 99% of test-takers throughout the land. She now had the score she'd need to gain admission to the best law school in the capital.
Although Ashley had defeated the LSAT dragon, her quest was not yet over. First, she would have to defeat the Personal Statement Dragon.
But that's a story for another time.
(UPDATE: That story was rudely interrupted by the LSAT Virus, another LSAT Unplugged Story.)
(UPDATE: That story was rudely interrupted by the LSAT Virus, another LSAT Unplugged Story.)
